It hits like a tidal wave,
like a heavyweight’s punch to the chest,
like a sledgehammer to the heart
this feeling.
No, it’s more than a feeling;
feels like sadness,
aching,
despair,
depression,
a cocktail that burns to the pit of my soul.
It feels like every breakup,
every family death,
every self-disappointment,
every moment of shame,
every cut I ever made,
every time I thought about the end,
all balled up and shoved into the hole where my heart should be.
Tears well,
it takes everything to hold them back.
Thoughts swirl,
it takes everything to hold myself to the ground.
These times
losing composure,
losing control,
losing my mind,
losing my self.
They come again and again.
This beast, this demon will plague me
for the rest of my life.
Like the open sea,
there will always be moments of calm,
but a torrent is always on the horizon.
G-d, please let these waters be calm,
I cannot weather another storm.
G-d, please let these times pass,
and fill the hole in my soul.
I cannot take another night
dominated by the hit of it all.
I cannot lose hope another night,
please give me back my control.