I do not understand/אני לא מבין

I do not understand.
Surrounded by a sea of words, sounds familiar, meanings hidden behind the mist.
Matters and subjects I know intimately made foreign by ignorance.
I miss punchlines, shared understandings, the feeling of
being part of something greater than oneself.
Eyes, mouths, and sounds blanket me in alienation.
I pick up a word, a morsel, only to have the slice taken from beneath my tongue.
Why do I subject myself to this?
This continued exercise in my general separation from society?
Must I bang my head against the wall again and again
until the words finally seep between the cracks in my skull?
I want to speak, to laugh, to express, to share, to love;
I want this probationary period of ignorance to end.
I almost hate that I heeded the call to return,
for it was spoken to me in a language unspoken here.
Am I doomed to slowly slowly?
Slowly slowly I am losing my will.
Slowly slowly I wish my ears did not hear.
Slowly slowly I am losing my connection to humanity.
I will do anything, slowly slowly, to end this partial existence.